The French: A Most Glorious Military History

by Didier Massu

Many of you might look at this article and laugh. Go ahead but the truth remains the French ARE the most powerful nation in Europe and have been so for awhile. Also, my people are the most war-like as well. Let's dive into French military history shall we.

I'm not going to start with the Gaullic Wars. The Romans were fighting Gauls, not Frenchmen. The Franks were still hacking and slashing other Germans in the Teuton forests. The Gauls were Celts much like the present day Irish. Also, to those who think Britain has a much better Military History. -SPUT!- I spit upon you! The English conquered who again? Aging Mughals, drugged up Sudanese dervishes and Dutch farmers? That's nothing. We French had to go against everyone! EVERYONE! It is not easy you know to fight every tribe and nation on this planet Earth.

I shall start with Clovis. That noble and most ancient King of the Franks. He extended Frankland or France to the Rhine and pushed out those other disgusting German tribes. He also converted to Christianity and made all the Franks due so. I don't mean to be Frank but he was really cool. Europe was more like the movie Conan than anything else after the end of Rome. You had big tribes moving here and there and killing each other like Conan. Not even Asterix could stop a big Frankish axe from cutting him in two. The good times kept rolling until the 700s. The Arabs just conquered the Visigoths (another German tribe) in Spain.They invaded France and threatned to take all of Europe. It was up to a Frank... it was up to a French man to save Europe. That Frank was Charles Martel, Major Domo to the inept King of the Franks. He smashed the Arabs and their Berber friends at Tours saving Europe from destruction. He had a child, Pippin the Short who was rather short but Pippin had a child himself. Named Charles, he became Charles the Great or Charlemagne!

Every year after he became King of Franks (due to the Pope's blessing) he went to war. He smashed Lombards in Italy, Saxons until they became Christians and Avars.. till there was no more Avars. The only time he failed was against the Arabs in Spain and when he was leaving he was sabotaged by those Basques. He made schooling free and encouraged the arts. He was the greatest King of the Dark Ages. Who did the English have? No one!

If he did one bad thing it was the forbidding of the creation of forts. Soon, the Norsemen took advantage of this and bad things happen. But also good things too. Some Danish Norse settled down in Normany when they made a truce with the King of France and they became Frenchmen themselves. These Frenchmen conquered the stupid English and made them speak French for the next 500 years -SPUT!-. They also conquered parts of Italy and Greece and brought the Byzantine Greeks to their knees. They also helped a lot in the Crusades with men like Bohemond. They made Crusader States in Syria and Lebanon after defeated Arabs there.

It was good to be a French man for a time. We were the most numerous of the Europeans then until the English came. They thought they could rule us? The fools. The English came to conquer France and the French King had little power at the time. It was very bad. Western France burned because of the English. We went from 20 million to 16 million because of them. There would be 12 million more Frenchmen today if it weren't for them! -Sput!- . Their bowmen may have won Crecy and Agincourt but we won Patay and Orleans using the same tactics as before. France was ours again! We ran the English out of our country thanks to Joan D'Arc. My hero. Their arrows couldn't beat French cannon I suppose -laughs-.

After we won, we had a new enemy. The SPANISH! The Spanish seized control of the Holy Roman Empire. The blasted Habspurgs controlled Europe and only us, the French could stop them. They controlled the Low Countries, Spain, Italy and Germany. We were surrounded. We had to fight back. They beat us. France began a Civil War against the Protestants. It was a dark time to be French...

Millions of Frenchmen died fighting one another over religion. Stupid I say, stupid! Finally Henri IV stopped the nonsense and brought us all together again. One big happy French family. We had to fight the Habpurgs a smart way. We got the Ottomans to help us distract them and the Dutch did a lot to waste all their silver from the Incas and Aztecs. Finally in the 30 Years War we attacked and won great victories for our nation. We beat the Spanish.. finally. -coughs on cigarette-. Under Louis XIV the borders of France expanded even if we put the rest of Europe to a draw. We fought all the nations and still managed to expand. Stupid Anglais, they cannot defeat us! Disaster struck, the English formed a big alliance against us and we lost Quebec. At least we kept our sugar islands but the loss of a few acres of snow was disheartening. We got back at the stupid faces with the Americans. We gave them everything to beat you. HA! At Yorktown, your world did turn upside down as we marched crying Englishmen into prisoner camps.

It was to be a Frenchman... AGAIN. Then a few revolutions happened. We French got tired of the Monarchy. We got tired of all the Louis and Marie's. We wanted a Change We Could Believe In. The revolution happened and in 1793, 500,000 Frenchmen were at war. The largest European army ever. The other Eurofags tried to beat us but we held them back and occupied parts of Germany and the Netherlands. To be French meant to be victorious. Napoleon took charge and you might say, he was a Corsican. Not French. Who trained him? Italians? -puh!- Italian's can't even defeat medieval Ethiopians. Shaddup. It was the French. Napoleon was a genius! He smashed armies like there was no tomorrow. Prussians, Austrians and Russians were defeated at Jena, Austerlitz and Borodino. Alas, it was Europe and his own hubris which defeated him. Waterloo was a triumphant comeback yet it failed. All stars must fade one day...

After this, things got interesting. France conquered Algeria. Defeated the Austrians for the millionth time in Northern Italy. Fought with Britain against Russia in the Crimea where we watched the British flounder uselessly against the Russians. Fought the Mexicans and nearly one and now it was our turn against Prussia. The Prussians were a strange German people. Like us, they liked war. We were not ready when we fought them. The Prussians were more organized. They captured the French King and his army at Sedan and surrounded another army. Blast! They won fair and square I suppose. France didn't sit down for long.

We defeated the Chinese in Vietnam getting a rather beautiful colony there and defeated the women-warriors of Dahomey in Africa. Not to mention killing more Chinamen in the Boxer Rebellion.

The French Empire had made a comeback. We were Republican yes, but we were strong. Our navy was big. Our colonies were huge. Until, Germany struck again. We fought a global war with the Hun. In the early days of the First World War we charged the Germans again and again. Toujours l'audace. We lost hundreds of thousands of men but at the Marne. We held strong and stopped the Germans from getting to Paris twice in 50 years. Out of a male population of 20 million French men. We lost 2 million. France was devastated. At Verdun, 800,000 Frenchmen gave their lives for Life, Liberty and Fraternity.

When the Germans came again in 1940 we were prepared. We made a big fortress against them but the Germans went around the line and went straight at the Ardennes forest. Our English friends turn and ran back to Angleterre. Every other continental nation which hated Nazi Germany fail. I remember.. I cried when the Germans took Paris. My home. -sheds tear-. I still cry to this day...

Of course, not all French surrendered. We fought the Nazis in Africa and Italy and were the first back in Paris. Yet not all was well with France. We had to fight for Vietnam and Algeria. We lost both, we lost the will to fight after losting more 3 million men in 2 World Wars. It was too much for France.

France... where is the France I loved and nearly died for? Where is my France, my sanctuary, my home. -cries again-.

FIN